Through the Sludge

Well, I made it through the fall semester and maintained my sanity! I have said every semester that I will do my best to stay focused on what is before me without being consumed by it. I am not sure that I have learned how to do that yet. As much as I want to remain calm and centered, I continue to find myself feeling overwhelmed and overloaded. While this is true, truer still is the reality of how God continues to meet me in my neurotic times and gently reminds me that this is His journey that He has invited me into, and it is He who will ultimately work it all out. Once again He brought me to a place of humility and quietness where I had to lean heavily on Him to make it through. Once again I am reminded of how very far He has brought me and how carefully He has orchestrated my steps. As always, it is Him through me.
My sweet husband, Bob and my dear friend Patti Messner put it into words for me what I have been living in these past five months. I have been in a class that has been a bi-weekly assult on my spirit. One of my professors made it very clear that Christianity and belief in God were ridiculous and foolish fantasy and magical thinking. Having lived enough life to have filters for these commentaries was enough to keep my heart embracing the truth, but I was angered by the fact that there were 50 other young people in the class without those filters. They sat through these past five months hearing garbage being presented as fact without the benefit of hearing truth to counter the lies. My heart breaks for the confusion that was stirred up in their hearts. I have prayed for them often. Patti pointed out that I have been walking through a field of sludge that I can't go around. This field is the only way to reach the goal that is in front of me; a degree in social work and whatever God has planned for me through the process and beyond.
In twelve days I will be getting on an airplane and flying to Washington D.C. I am still blown away by this amazing gift that God has given to me! While I have had to prepare physically for this trip, gathering real winter clothing, scarves, gloves and shoes; I have also found myself with a strong thirst for spiritual preparation as well. I have spent most of the last 22 years surrounded by people who love me completely, who live passionately for our sweet Savior, and share openly their own journey of faith with God. Being in school has majorly limited my ability to remain in these safe places on a regular basis. I dearly miss the conversations that help to keep my heart and mind focused on the Father and His amazing character. I have found myself feeling very weary from the pace of life that I have been living, and yet there is no rest in sight at least not for a few more months.
Sunday I sat in service at Open Door Fellowship and was bathed in the truth that I have been missing. Singing Third Day's "King of Glory" and proclaiming at the top of my voice the majesty of our Lord, Jesus Christ, filled my heart. And yet I am still thirsty. I am glad to be thirsty for Him. I don't want to ever know what it is to not long for Him or to not desire to seek Him.
As I leave for D.C., I am very aware of my need to take Him with me. The need to sense His presence is great in my heart, and I want to go in His power and strength, not my own. Throughout the last couple of days, an old song from the '80's came into my mind and I have not been able to shake it. I want to share it with you:
By My Spirit - Leslie Phillips
Chorus:
Not by might, not by power
But by my Spirit says the Lord
Not by might, not by power
But by my Spirit says the Lord

Verse 1:
Sometimes fears can hide your vision
The loss of purpose chains you down
You think I've forgotten all you're dreaming of
But how could I forget the one I love
And it's...
Not by might, not by power
But by my Spirit says the Lord
Not by might, not by power
But by my Spirit says the Lord

Verse 2:
I can see your heart is tired
And your courage has worn thin
You wonder how long you will have to hang on
But when My love comes in, you'll be strong again
And it's...

Not by might, not by power
But by my Spirit says the Lord
Not by might, not by power
But by my Spirit says the Lord


Bridge:
These mountains will be removed
I'll build my temple in you
And what I've promised shall be done

Not by might, not by power
But by my Spirit says the Lord
Not by might, not by power
But by my Spirit says the Lord


Thanking my God that I am not the one who has to hold it together or pull anything off. It is truly Him through me.
~Angie